Category Archives: Kids

Kids, Psychology, Self-development

Blending cultural identities: raising multicultural kids when you are culturally homeless

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“Who are you and where are you from?” – these two questions are supposed to define ourselves but for a lot of people they are very difficult to answer. If somebody asks me now: “Where are you from?” what should I reply? I am from Belgium, however I am not Belgian. I am originally from Latvia, I hold Latvian nationality, I did my University studies in Latvian and worked in that language. I have a mother tongue fluency in Latvian and a solid knowledge of history and culture of Latvia, yet… I am not Latvian. I am ethnically Russian, but I have only been to Russia twice and not to, so-to-say, “deep-Russia” but to Moscow and Saint-Petersburg, and for a total of less than 3 weeks. What I remember vividly from those trips is that I was culturally shocked in what I believed to be my culture. I consider English to be my home language now because this is the language I talk percentage-wise the most: and with my husband and with a lot of my friends. Those who hear me talk English without knowing that this ain’t my mother tongue based on the accent assume I am American. Yet I am obviously neither American (haven’t even been to the States yet), nor even technically English-speaking as such. I was born in the Soviet Union, however the Soviet Union broke down before I even started elementary school, so for those who understand – I haven’t even had a chance to be oktyabryonok. Wait, it gets worse! Even my name – in my Belgian ID my family name is “Wynants”, yet in my Latvian passport – I am “Vinantsa” transliterated according to Latvian language rules. So who am I and where am I from actually? To think about it – I am culturally homeless.

If things are so complex with myself how am I supposed to raise my kids? And who are my kids going to be? Belgian? Wait, there is no “Belgian” as in this country things are also kinda mixed up. Flemish? But they are exposed to Russian culture and language a lot, and their first words were in Russian. Plus, they hear hell of a lot of English and to my horror (giggle) start to understand it as well, despite the fact that we never directly address them in English. So this is a difficult question that I am still in the process of exploring it for myself, thus I am always eager to hear other people’s experiences and thoughts.

While researching the subject myself I have stumbled upon a term “Third Culture Kids” (there are quite a few TED-videos on the subject if someone is interested). The term “third culture kid” or TCK itself was first coined in the mid-20 century to describe the children of American citizens working and living abroad. The “third culture” comes from the fact that parents have one culture, the place where a family lives has another culture, but the kids raised in such circumstances create a sort of an amalgamation of two cultures mentioned to create something of their own – hence the third culture. However, I do consider that with globalization and with an enhanced mobility this term should be expanded to include all those people who grew up under a significant impact of diverse cultures. It is no longer a 20 km life! More and more people are born in one place, go study to another, then go working to yet another and settle somewhere completely else with somebody from a different culture, and maybe after a while are again on the move. This is a reality already now and it will be even more so when today’s kids grow up. So the question “Where are you from?” is no longer simple.

On the one hand this sort of cultural homelessness creates a lot of difficulties in self-identification, but on the bright side this also brings enormous opportunities, such as an expanded worldview, an enhanced cultural intelligence, a 3D view of the world if you will. But then again, consider a situation: a family is sitting in front of TV watching, let’s say, football. Which national team is everyone supporting? Think about it for a moment. This silly example portrays a situation which might be psychologically difficult for parents to accept. We are talking about confused loyalties, about different values, about accepting that your kid doesn’t share your identity. But then again, the beauty is that you have a choice. Nowadays you can choose to define yourself not just based on the ethnicity, not based on the location where you were born or where you currently live. You can choose to define yourself by different categories: by your own personal values, by your own beliefs and not just by a tag somebody placed on you. Thus, there are for sure lots and lots of positive consequences of blending cultures if you approach the subject with an open mind.

Also as a parent there are myriads of benefits that you are able to give your kids (language, traditions, literature, perception, even food habits,…) provided that you yourself are open and willing to expand your personal worldview; if you are willing to explore your own culture and the other cultures you encounter on your way. Without prejudice, without judging, with a sincere wish to understand and enrich yourself. I guess that would help us all a lot and would allow to raise a truly multicultural people of the future.

 

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Kids, Lifehack

Traveling with kids: How to survive and keep your sanity

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My husband and I have always been traveling quite extensively and once our kids were born we decided not to stop the habit. Thus we do some city trips now and then (like we went to the National Sea Center Nausicaa in Boulogne-sur-Mer to celebrate our first son’s birthday), we go to visit interesting places (also not just interesting for kids, but interesting first and foremost for ourselves – e.g. recently we went to see the Moses bridge in the Netherlands). Additionally, my family still lives in Latvia and my granny is already relatively old which makes regular air travel a necessity. We traveled with our daughter by plane for the first time when she was couple of month old, with our son – when he was just one month old. Since then we accumulated quite some air miles. Also by car during the last 3 years we traveled both short and very long distances (like 2000 kms one way). Although I am in no way guru of traveling with kids, throughout our experiences we have accumulated a list of useful and tried tips and tricks on how to survive and keep your sanity while traveling with your precious little monsters angels. Some of the tips are more about air travel but most of them are applicable with adaptations to other means of transportation as well.

So, let’s begin:

1. First and foremost, attitude is everything. Things tend to go wrong at the moments least expected. Try to go with a flow and try to keep your cool. Kids are little radars that very easily pick up their parents mood. So if you become irritated and cranky prepare to have your little ones go even more berserk.

2. Factor in some spare time. This is a difficult one because, for example, with air travel you don’t want to be at an airport too early as you would simply go nuts waiting. On the other hand, you don’t want to rush in at the last moment and then discover that you have a so-to-say toilet accident that you need to urgently solve. You need to reasonably add something like in between 15 minutes and half an hour to your usual timing – that would normally do. Same for traveling by car – factor in additional stops on top of what you would normally do yourself.

3. Have antibacterial wipes, wet tissues and just normal paper tissues easily accessible. And by easily accessible I mean not just in your handbag or diaper bag, have a small version in your pocket that you can take out in no time. And speaking about pockets…

4. Wear clothes with pockets! It is not the idea to look like Anatoly Wasserman but he has some point. It is very handy when you can have the above mentioned tissues, or a small toy to immediately act upon a possible emergency. Also for passports and boarding passes – you need to show those things way too many times so better have them by hand (in case of documents opt for an inside pocket or the one which you can close securely).

5. A toddler can have his or her own bag. That saves space in your hand luggage and gives a toddler a feeling of involvement (allow him to pack, but by all means check and adjust afterwards!). Just don’t choose these cute pull-ones with wheels, as they twist and turn all ways and you will end up carrying that uncomfortable thingy yourself in addition to everything else you already have. A small backpack is the best choice.

6. Have some plastic bags (preferably zip lock but usual ones would also do) in an easy-to-reach spot.

7. For everyone kids included opt for the shoes that are easy to put on and get off. In an airport that will save you some time at the security check; and on the long-distance car ride you would want to take your shoes off in the car to relax your feet but be ready to run out fast if your toddler suddenly (and urgently) needs to pee.

8. Where there are kids, things tend to get messy and clothes might get dirty so make sure you have some spare clothes nearby. Here I prefer to pick the ones that are more or less suitable for both of my kids – a little bit too small for my daughter, a little bit too big for my son, yet overall fitting both of them; and from fabrics that are easy to roll. And in general…

9. … roll your clothes. There are numerous ways of how to efficiently pack your luggage but I personally choose rolling. When done properly you can stash a lot of things in less space. Also stuffing socks and underwear inside shoes allows to use the otherwise unused space to its full capacity. To optimally use the luggage weight allowance when traveling by air try to wear your heaviest clothes instead of putting them in your luggage.

10. Have that additional moment of going to the bathroom and change even seemingly clean diapers closer to departure (for air travel). It is feasible to do it while on board but so much easier when don’t have to.

11. Of course you don’t expect to lose your little one in a crowd yet better safe than sorry so either get an ID-bracelet or write your mobile phone number on the inside of kids clothes, or even just write it on their arms.

12. Explain to your kids what will happen, what they should do in case they are lost… It is not going to work with small kids of course, but repetition does wonders. And in general I am very much pro explaining everything even to an infant.

13. Have some entertainment for kids ready but give it out in small doses (by no means all at once!) You know your kid better than anyone so you know if a coloring book works better than a toy car, so pick. There is no need to have a lot of stuff (2-3 different activities would do). If you have an iPad, pre-load some offline games. If you have a small tablet-PC put some cartoons on. If you opt for electronic devices make sure they are fully charged, otherwise a cartoon stopped in the middle will cause more drama than it was supposed to avoid.

14. A good idea for a bit older kid would also be a child-friendly photo-camera. That is a great stimulation of creativity for them but can also produce unexpectedly nice artistic results to add to your family photo-album.

15. There was a good advice on one of the websites – ignore the idiots and don’t be one yourself. Some people don’t like kids in general, irrespective of how well-behaving they might be, so imagine if they are not? Don’t ignore other people or intentionally annoy them but also don’t stress too much about what somebody thinks about you or your off-springs.

16. Wear kids out! Let them run when it is possible to run. Let them explore when it is possible to explore. Let them shout when it is possible to shout. Traveling is a great experience for your little ones, so let them experience everything to its fullest. And also in the airport, let them run around (reasonably!) before they will be confined to sitting still in an airplane for hours.

17. Finally, also for the air travel, make sure to make them drink or chew on something at take-off and landing otherwise those little ears will hurt. Nurse if you are nursing, give a bottle, or if a kid totally refuses to drink – give them a gummy bear! Long live Harribo’s! What also helps if a kid is already screaming from ear-pain – gently massage the area around their ears, that normally helps to relieve the pain a bit.

18. Couple of words about car seats and buggy’s during air travel. When our kids were infants we took car seat (Maxi Cosi) with us on the plane as it was used also on the buggy. Rules depend airline per airline but usually you are allowed to take Maxi Cosi and sometimes even keep it during the flight on the chair next to you. Otherwise the flight attendant will take it away while already in the cabin and give it back to you after you land. As for the buggy usually you have two options: either to check it in together with your check-in luggage or keep it until the plane. So far we went for the latter, as even if a kid doesn’t want to sit in a buggy anymore, you can use it to put all your hand luggage. As an additional bonus, with a buggy you usually get through a fast security check.

 

Some additional comments on traveling with an infant

The great thing about infants that are breastfed and can be carried in a sling is that they can be breastfed and be carried in a sling! Both points make traveling with them much easier than with an overly active toddler. When my kids were infants I had a set of breastfeeding clothes and a light blanket to cover-up and I always found a place where I can breastfeed as discreetly as possible. In the airport sometimes you can get into the lounge, or almost always go to a chapel. On the city trip you can find a quiet place in the park or in some cafe’s. I have breastfed even in a church once while on our city-trip to Paris… To note that I was always sufficiently discreet and covered-up so no one could actually tell that I am breastfeeding anyway. Breastfeeding while traveling by car is even less of a trouble – you can just pull over, make a kid happy and move on – to explore the world together.

 

And finally – some general tips which make sense even traveling without your precious little ones:

1. Take pictures or make scans of your passports and other documents and e-mail them to yourself. In that way if you ever lose your documents you will spare yourself lots of time while you’ll be replacing them.

2. Have a last-moment to-do list with things you need to still do right before you leave, for example: plug-out coffee maker, switch off water (in case applicable), take out garbage, finish that pack of juice that’s been open for 2 days,… whatever there is. If you actually have it all written down and you scratch items off as you take care of them that would improve your “pre-departure” efficiency and remove at least some stress.

3. I like spontaneity but it helps when you have at least a draft of your plan for the day. You need to stay flexible (and especially with kids) but you need to know at least in general lines where would you like to go and what would you like to do or see.

 

And I’ll wrap up with what I have started – most importantly enjoy your travel experience and stay positive! Attitude is everything!

Kids, Psychology

“She has a knife!” or how to involve a kid in your everyday household chores

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“She has a knife!!!” – my friend was shouting with fear in her voice. In the first second my muscles tightened ready to neutralize the obviously imminent threat to everybody’s life. And then I heard a soft voice of my daughter saying “Mom, I want to cut my banana”. My muscles relaxed again. Nothing major – it’s just my 3-year old daughter with a chef’s knife cutting her banana because she likes to eat it piece-by-piece with a fork, instead of just biting it.

No, I am not a total reckless idiot (at least I want to believe that): she knows how to do it, as she’s been doing it for a year already, besides I am next to her anyway. My daughter helps me to cook, she knows how to use a potato peeler, she knows how to use a knife, how to use a kitchen scale (and what do those numbers mean). In that way it was more fun to learn the numbers after all. Also counting down she learned with the help of a kitchen appliance – the microwave. She knows how to make coffee with my coffee maker and with my percolator. And yes, she knows what a percolator is! For those who don’t, it’s a type of special pot for making coffee – I am a coffee addict and I have a lot of that special stuff. She also knows how to sort laundry and is currently successfully teaching that to her 1,9-year old brother, who is simply trembling to pour in the washing liquid and finally push “Start”, shouting “yeeeeeeeah!”. She is closing the buttons of her father’s shirts (those non-iron ones that I am hanging to dry). She helps me fold dry laundry and put everything in the rightful spots. Yes, sometimes I have to refold but it happens less and less nowadays, and we do have some issues with “the rightful spots” from time to time. Also, she wipes the floor with a “Swiffer”; well, now not anymore as this has been delegated to her little brother. They both love to use a vacuum-cleaner and a steam-mop. She knows how to use a screw-driver and scissors… I could probably continue boasting (LOL) but I guess you are more interested in the “how the hell do you achieve that?”

It could be that I just pulled a lucky ticket with both of them, but since I hear the stories of successfully involving kids in household chores from some other mothers as well, I would like to believe that I did something right in my approach.

First and the most important is that my kids are allowed to make mistakes. Like – truly allowed. Actually I cannot stress it hard enough – not being afraid of making mistakes is according to me an extremely important quality that I hope they will be able to keep when they grow up, as that would help them a lot. Practically, what do I mean by it? I will tell you a story. The first time my daughter wanted to use a vacuum-cleaner, I looked around and quickly understood that all these Lego blocks will end up in the bowl of my “Dyson”. Probably that’s also the fate awaiting my necklace that’s lying on the table and probably those chalks and everything else but the actual dust. The easiest solution would be to do it myself and reply to her – “It is not a toy. When you will grow up…”

Yes, I had to take out those Lego blocks and wash them, my necklace survived against all odds and the chalks were partially affected. But also with some guidance miraculously the dust got cleaned. The point is everybody learns by making mistakes and it’s OK, and it is not that difficult to wash Lego blocks after all. If she screws up I am never commenting anything like “why did you do that again?!”, “can’t you do anything right?!” or alike with the same message. She is learning. I must admit that I am also learning, as it is really difficult to restrain yourself not to comment.

Second, almost everything is allowed (within reasonable limits and with certain precautions of course). If my kids want to use a knife they don’t get a Montessori wooden one to “cut” a wooden banana. I find those types of toys a total waste of money. My kids get a real knife. First – a small and less sharp one, then – just any normal knife. Undoubtedly I have to explain and I have to supervise, and probably a finger will be cut at one point in time. Well, I don’t give them a machete! There are also nice tools out there to protect little fingers while they are cutting – check out Opinel Le Petit chef set. And let me repeat once again – you have to explain. When I am at home with kids I am talking a lot: explaining what am I doing, what am I using, why, what for, and so on. And it doesn’t really matter if they don’t understand everything yet, or don’t remember. One day they will. And it’s good for their language development, especially since they are raised bilingual Russian-Dutch with a passive English (that I am speaking with my husband).

Third, is the motivation. Pure human psychology here. If you force somebody to do something you are likely to face a resistance. If you are asking for help, you are likely to get one. So – “little one, can you please help me, I can’t do it myself” works much more efficient than “do-this, do-that”. People in general, but little ones in particular, are willing to help others, they also want to feel themselves useful and significant (“I am such a big girl/boy, I did that myself!”). I personally use that. That allows not only to develop respective motor skills, but also develops their emotional intelligence.

Fourth, another trick that works for me – arouse interest! “Do you want to help me bake a new cake?” (especially if I stress the word “new”), “Do you want to plug-in the blender in the socket yourself?” (and stress on – yourself – as much as you can!), “Can you find all the matching socks?”, “Let’s see who can fold these towels faster! Whoever wins gets a candy!” You can turn a lot of chores into a game or a contest with a bit of creativity. And like with everything it’s not going to just magically work the first time, but one day it will work. Magically!

I can only hope that my kids will keep the same enthusiasm vis-a-vis helping their mother when they grow up, but at least now: 1. they learn a lot using just everyday items; 2. they are involved and they feel involved; and – most important selfish point  – 3. I get help.

P.S. Chocolate brownies that are in the featured image for this post we made together with my daughter yesterday. Some ingredients were of course gone before they reached the cooking bowl, but overall she did pretty well – at least breaking eggs into the mixture she does much better than her mommy…

Kids, Management, MBA, Psychology

Negotiations with a monster: Applying Negotiation skills theory to persuade a toddler

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Today I would like to revise some of the basics of the Negotiation skills theory, something that is taught in business schools but should actually be introduced as early as in the primary school and for everybody not only the aspiring managers and consultants. You should take it with a grain of salt yet also a toddler is a party in negotiations. Yes, when there is a discussion about something you just want to shout out loud that he or she is going to do the way you want them to do otherwise their ass will be kicked big time, but however tempting that is, it’s not a solution in the long run.

I have studied the negotiation skills theory both through various online courses, including Harvard, yet the first introduction into the theoretical foundations was done by an almost legendary South African professor Dr. David Venter. I was lucky to get to know him (and his wonderful wife – Paula Venter, whom he uses as an example and an object of comments all the time!), be able to listen to him and even at one point in time stay in his cozy house in Hermanus – the best place to watch whales. I will use some of my notes from his course and the information from the Negotiations Planning template by Infostrat©.

So let’s begin. A toddler is a monster by definition! There are couple of aspects which are especially difficult in negotiating with this monster:

  1. accepting that a toddler is to be negotiated with, not just bossed around all the time;
  2. dealing with irrational behavior – crying and shouting (but, hey, your business partners tend to get emotional and seemingly irrational as well. Yes, usually they don’t fall on the floor in the middle of a shopping mall and don’t scream that they desperately need that new toy car, but those are nuances. Emotions can get pretty high also in a boardroom.)
  3. dealing with your own emotions and mostly with your own anger (this little thing dares to question my authority?!)

So, you have – let’s call it – a disagreement with your toddler. You went to the shopping mall, your kid saw a toy in one of the shops and wants it. You say no, your kid switches on the drama-button.

According to the Negotiations skills theory you start with identifying the nature of the conflict and the issues related. In this case it is your unwillingness to buy a toy that a kid wants, hence issues, roughly speaking, are: ownership of a toy and financials. Usually financials are less of an issue and much more the problem lies in the intangible plane. The intangible issues related to the conflict are numerous: feeling of entitlement, feeling of undermined authority, honor, ability to get what you want, ability to decide, perception of usefulness, feeling of control, just to name a few.

Now, what do you do? First, you have to identify the deal parameters. Here, let me first introduce couple of terms:

  1. aspiration base – the highest achievable goals or objectives for a negotiated agreement. In plain words – realistically, what do you want to achieve?
  2. real base – the minimum you want to achieve.
  3. BATNA – best alternative to negotiated agreement – what alternative exists to satisfy your interests.

So those three points are to be identified next for all the participants of the negotiations. The contracting zone or the zone of possible agreement (ZOPA), or bargaining range lies in between the real bases. This is where an agreement is possible.

Coming back to our toddler… Your aspiration base is probably – the kid shuts the hell up, gets up and peacefully walks home holding your hand and forgetting about a damn toy, right? And the minimum? At least shut up, huh? No, I guess you are more interested in the kid getting up and walking home. Your BATNA will be kicking that ass. Now, let’s look at the other side. The aspiration base of the kid is getting that toy. What’s the real base? Hmmm… Poor kid is not in the situation to “walk away from the deal”, so the real base of the kid is not having a toy, but at least expressing emotions about this unfairness of the world. No real BATNA either – I almost feel sorry for the little monster!

This all brings us in the ZOPA (that sounds extremely funny for the Russian-speaking, as [zhopa] in Russian is “an ass”; you would say literally “I am in the ass” when the situation is a total disaster). So the ass… I mean the ZOPA for our situation with a toddler will be anywhere between “not having a toy, but at least expressing emotions” and “not shutting up, but at least getting up and walking away”.

The Negotiations skills theory further prompts us to identify the most important characteristics of the other party and then proceed to the SWOT (Strength, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats) and competitive advantage, but I will skip these steps in our example (you have a very strong competitive advantage after all, you tyrant!).

What is important is what comes next. Interests, where also one has to identify shared interests, complementing interests and conflicting interests. Your interests are something like: having an obedient kid, quietness, getting your way (moral satisfaction of exercising authority), not having an additional useless toy at home, moving on away from the shopping mall, and so on. Interests of the kid are: having this extremely useful toy, getting his way (same moral satisfaction!), being able to express his emotions, being listened to and so forth. The real conflict if we analyze it deeper is actually only a toy, but having a toy is not even in the real base of the kid. It is all about emotions! Emotions that need to be recognized.

Theoretically (and also practically) you now have to proceed with identifying value creating options and concessions and counter-concessions. For that there is yet another template (also by Infostrat©, which prompts to answer the following questions:

  1. what is a concession we can make to motivate the other party to move in the direction that we want? – How about an ice-cream? Or even better – we are now going to eat an ice-cream, which one do you want: vanilla or chocolate? In that way the choice is not in between accepting or not accepting, but in between accepting option A or option B.
  2. what is the reason why we would make such a concession? – We would get the kid up and moving and that’s what we want, right?
  3. what is the cost of the concession to us? – low strategic importance, minimal investment.
  4. what is the value of the concession to the other party? – moral satisfaction and a pleasant feeling in the belly
  5. what is the counter-concession we would require? – here! we can get more than our real base: and the getting up and the shutting up.

Even though I used real negotiations steps and terms, the example itself is of course meant more as a humor, as you are not going to fill up a negotiations template every time you face a tantrum from your toddler, nor you are going to buy him an ice-cream. The important point, however, is – this little monster also has interests and feelings, emotions and wishes, hopes and aspirations. A kid is entitled to all of them and just shouting and forcing your way because otherwise your authority will be undermined or you might feel ashamed in front of other people is not reasonable either.

There are different ways to deal with tantrums in kids and as a parent you most probably know best what works and what doesn’t work in your case. However, some general advice is – stay calm yourself, if possible pick up your kid and give him a tight hug, see if you can give-in (within reason of course) or what works best with my kids – distract or use humor, make a funny face or tell or better show something interesting. Just keep your cool, admit the rights and interests of your kid and figure out what value creating options can you create and which reasonable concessions can you make. It will get better one day…