Category Archives: Psychology

Parents online: What are we searching for?

April 21, 2016 Maria Boicova-Wynants 22 Comments

I have recently read an interesting research article on “Think with Google” about parenting searches, namely about what parents tend to search for when they go online. It made me think about my own Internet browsing behavior. However, before I elaborate on that, first a couple of words about that research article.

There are several interesting findings:

First, new parents in their Internet search seem to show a curious pattern: when they search for “pregnant” they are simultaneously also searching for “school” and even for “college“. This and some other analytical insights lead researchers to conclusion that during pregnancy future parents seem to have a very long-term orientation, trying to plan and think through way ahead. A funny shift occurs when the baby is there, as analysis reveals that together with the search for “newborn” people tend to search for more immediate needs like “diapers” or “feeding” and so on. Thus, it seems that once the baby is actually born the focus of parents evolves from long-term to short-term. Truth be said that once the baby becomes a toddler, searches for “school” and “college” are once again spiking.

Second, the only thing constant across parenting searches at all times is “health“. But here are some nuances as well, as expecting and new parents tend to be more concerned with the “weight” of their precious bean; once it becomes a toddler “fever” gets on top of the search list.

I guess that it also matters if this is your first child or not. It is actually funny to remember this stuff! When I was still pregnant with our first kid I was very much interested in questions like: “How do you know that you are in labor?“. The answer “you will know!” seemed to be so far from satisfactory that I kept on digging. My next hit with the first child was all the “how to’s“: how to swaddle, how to put a kid in a sling, how to massage, how to teach to roll… I became a real storehouse of information! The first child, you know (smiling). When I was expecting our second I was very much into searching for different articles in the field of psychology about how to ensure that there is no jealousy between kids, how to find a balance between the needs of an infant and those of a toddler.

With both kids being toddlers and happily co-existing my current kid-related Internet searches are mostly in the following categories:

education (raising bilingual/ multilingual kids; how to teach life skills to kids; what are the tendencies in education in general; homeschooling or not; new approaches in teaching and so on)
entertainment / development (what is out there for kids: museums, exhibitions, events, extracurricular activities; here also – on psychology: how to choose extracurricular activities for your child)
DIY with kids (interesting experiments; interesting crafts)

I must admit that “clothes” and “toys” which are categories also seemingly often searched for by parents are not really on my priority list. For me there is no need to especially look for that as some of my friends are very much into searching and trying new clothes’ brands and new toys that I am convinced I will receive the information without actively searching for it!

Even though the article that triggered me to write this post talked only about kid-related searches, I believe that when talking about “Parents online” it is unfair to exclude other interests that parents might be searching for when they browse the Web. Here I am not talking about specific hobbies or interests of a specific parent, but mostly about issues pertaining to being a parent.

In this context what I personally was very interested in was:

how to “restore” yourself after giving birth – both physically and mentally;
how to spot the first signs of a postpartum depression and what to do to avoid it;
how to ensure a good balance of interests for everyone in the family after “adding a new member”;
how to find and secure “me-time”.

So mostly all the psychological issues related to becoming a mother.

It might be tempting to go to mothers’ forums or discussion groups for advice, but what is very important here is that not all “mum groups” are friendly places. And what you definitely don’t need as a new parent is to have a heated unnecessary discussion and leave it with no real useful information. Thus, even though it is very interesting to hear personal experiences of other people who have been in a similar situation, my first resort is still psychological articles on reputed sources, then some personal blogs sharing experiences and only as a last point – some very selected forums and discussion groups.

And what about you: as a parent what are you searching for when you go online?

Psychology

Miscarriage: Comments I wish I could un-hear

April 14, 2016 Maria Boicova-Wynants 33 Comments

I must admit at first I was not planning on touching this subject as it still hurts a lot. However, it seems important to talk about it because so many good people are making so many awful mistakes over and over again by saying things that shouldn’t have been said to someone who has lost a child. And although I am going to use examples from my personal experience, I am now talking in the name of all women that went through a miscarriage.

Sadly, miscarriages happen more often than you would want to and more often than you would think. Medical statistics claim that a miscarriage occurs in 15-20% of recognized pregnancies (80-85% occurring in weeks 1-12). That’s almost one in five! In most cases there is no reason whatsoever, just a “natural selection”. Some women get through this relatively easy, some others crash. I crashed.

However, in addition to already feeling indescribably awful I got additionally hurt by some comments people said to me. And I believe that it was not only me who has experienced that, probably hundreds of other women heard something alike. And trust me – it hurts enormously! This is why I made a list of comments I heard, which I wish I could un-hear and maybe that would trigger some people to think twice before saying certain things:

“Oh, but it’s only 12 weeks, it’s not yet a child” (For a mother it is a child from the moment she saw the two stripes.)
“But you already have two gorgeous kids” (yes, I have two. But I had three and one died.)
“It’s probably because you didn’t have enough time to recuperate after your previous pregnancy” (So on top of everything, you say I am the one to blame? That’s so painful, so unfair, so not true and besides this is so not the cause!)
“But why did that happen?” (You really think I am going to provide you the answer now?! Even though the only answer is: “it just did”, it’s the question that is going to be nagging me forever. There is totally no need to bring it up again)
“You are still young, you can still have more kids if you want” (I think you missed the point)
“Oh, I understand you, I also had a threat of miscarriage and I know how it feels” (Your kid is looking at you now and holding your hand with her sweet little hands. You had a threat. I had a nightmare come true. How can you possibly understand?)
“Are you going to try again?” (Sorry, but how’s that your business?)
“Maybe it is a sign that you should stop getting pregnant?” (With all due respect but maybe you missed a sign that you should stop talking?)
“At least now you are not going to have morning sickness anymore” (Have you seriously just said that?)

There are probably more. There are definitely more.

The point I want to make is that if you found out that a friend of yours or anybody you know went through a miscarriage, the only thing you should say is: “I am sorry for your loss”. If you want to help, offer to entertain older kids, offer to do the groceries or help cleaning-up the house. Unless you went through this yourself, trust me you have not even the slightest idea how it feels! So, please stick to “I am sorry for your loss” and don’t hurt her even more…

Lifehack, Psychology, Self-development

Hogwarts 2.0.: Learning magical powers in the comfort of your own living room

April 6, 2016 Maria Boicova-Wynants 25 Comments

If you expect that by having read this article you will learn how to fly on a broom or how to freeze the moment I am afraid I will need to disappoint you. But for flying there are better alternatives and the moments can also be “frozen” in numerous ways. The magic I want to talk about is much more mundane yet also much more powerful. It can make other people’s day brighter, it can light up your own day and it can also miraculously get you what you want. It is the extraordinary power of a smile and a genuine “thank you”.

Saying “thank you” seems so easy but it is amazing how often it is overlooked. The root-cause of a lot of problems is that things are being taken for granted or that people are being taken for granted. Just a little bit of appreciation, recognition, gratitude can make somebody’s day and enhance positive vibes in the air. Coupled with a smile it does wonders!

A little example. You expect to get a good customer service. Sure so. But how often when you actually got one, you bothered to say “thank you”? That’s not needed, because a company is obliged to provide good customer service? Yes, but it’s not a company but its people who actually provide that service to you. Everybody likes recognition, moreover, everybody deserves recognition. I contacted a customer service of one company recently with a problem. They rapidly provided me with solutions and also with all the relevant information so that I could pursue one of the options. Of course, I wrote back to them saying that I am grateful, that this attitude is the reason I like their company and that I wish them all a splendid day. I had to recontact them two days later as that particular spare part I needed was only available for delivery in the Netherlands. What they did – they ordered it for me. Delivered to my door. For free. I am not saying that this happened because I told them that they are amazing. However, this is also not the first time that I experience good things coming my way after I have just been kind to people and have appreciated what they did to me instead of taking them for granted. When you send out positive energy you tend to get it back and not necessarily from the same person.

In personal relationships the power of “thank you” and a smile is even more significant. Yes, of course, you don’t make dinner to receive “thank you” from your husband, nor you do the laundry for that purpose. However, a simple “thank you” is a positive vibe that has a power to remove the tiredness factor from this never-ending chore-cycle. And as I said before, everybody likes recognition and deserves it.

In raising kids such recognition is likewise indispensable. When a kid tried to clean the floor (and messed it up worse than it was before) instead of saying: “leave that alone, you cannot do it anyway!” try: “thank you for helping me!” and a smile. You will be amazed how fast the skill will improve!

So unleash your magical powers and start enhancing positive vibes in the air by saying “thank you” to people and sending them your sincere smiles! When you smile the world smiles back!

Lifestyle Balance, Psychology

Life plan: your instructions to the Universe

March 31, 2016 Maria Boicova-Wynants 6 Comments

“If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable” (Seneca)

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” (Coelho)

Whether you believe Seneca or Coelho, or none of the above, in order to achieve something in life you need to know what do you actually want. In my previous post about dreams – Protecting wings from being cut – I promised to separately talk about writing a “Life plan”, what to put in it and what to do with it afterwards, and that’s what I am going to write about in this post.

When I started writing my own “Life plan” at first I’ve read quite some psychology articles on whys and hows to understand if I need one and how to get to it. There are different approaches out there: you can go for a dream board, or a vision board, or a list, or anything in between – you pick. As long as you take a moment to reflect on your personal values and dreams and then find a way how to fix them be it in writing or in capturing an image, it works.

Having had a general dream board for a while, I decided to try something more structured, so I opted for a list divided in 6 categories –

lifestyle,
health,
emotional well-being,
financials,
personal development and vocation and
family.

The next step was to think about my values and a vision of what I want with respect to each of these categories, and then to write all that down in positive form and in present tense.

Why do you need to write things down? First, it pushes you to clarify for yourself what you want. Second, it motivates you to act. Research in the field of psychology has repeatedly proven that people become more committed to what they write down versus what they say. Third, it allows you to track the progress and thus get an additional motivation.

I wrote down what I want to be able to do, where I want to go, what I want to have, what I want to improve, enhance. I thought about what type of lifestyle I aspire, what do I want to be doing. What do I want to spend my money on and how much money do I actually need for that. The goal/dream: “I want to have a lot of money” is actually flawed, as money is just means. Unless you collect paper or coins you in fact want not money itself but things and experiences money can buy.

After 6 pages of my “Life plan” were filled up, I identified my top 5 per category and wrote down a to-do list which I am currently actively working on, getting me closer to the realization of my dreams.

I understand skepticism some of you might have – that what is the point, for example, of writing down that you dream to travel around the world if you don’t have any money to do it? Well, if travel is really your dream there are hundreds of ways how to realize it with limited finances and thousands and thousands of people who already did it. If it’s not really about travel but rather about staying in fancy hotels around the world it is a different story, but also here you have options. Whatever it is – everything starts with identifying what do you precisely want in this life. Just be true to yourself.

As a final note, there are two “laws” that are to be taken into account :

the law of self-fullfilling prophecy – you become what you strongly believe in; and
the law of attraction – you attract into your life what you focus your mind on.

It works both ways – if you focus on negative all the time, if you nag and whine that nothing will ever work, that you will never achieve anything – you will program yourself to exactly that. However, if you focus on your dreams, focus on “how” rather than on “why not”, if you see the good, the positive, the bright, that is what your life will become. Confirmed by experience.

Parenthood, Psychology

Motherhood: What has actually changed?

March 27, 2016 Maria Boicova-Wynants 2 Comments

Of course you change when you become a mother. That’s a given. It is a major happening in life and it undoubtedly splits life in “before I had kids” and “now that I have kids”. However, sometimes when I am reading comments people make attributing the ground-breaking changes in their lives (and mostly negative ones) to the fact that they became parents, I cannot help but wonder if kids are really the cause? In my opinion kids can be the trigger and likewise and more often can serve as an excuse, yet the cause of a change is not them as such. It is once again all about choices.

What has changed so drastically for me since I have become a mother? I tried to reflect on that:

sleep – oh yes, sleep… That’s the first thing that comes to mind. After you have kids there will be no more lazily waking up closer to noon, that’s true. Even if you were a good girl and the Universe blessed you with a good sleeper, still there will be “all-nighters” from time to time, there will be jumping up to check if your kid is breathing normally, there will be night feeds… And I am not even mentioning what’s awaiting you if you have been a bad girl! Well, it is indeed hard, but it is manageable. There are different solutions: the Sleep Lady approach, co-sleeping, shaking on a gym-ball, even the infamous cry-it-out (which I personally find unacceptable, but that’s my personal opinion) – try what works for you, or just wait for a while, it will not last forever!
me-time – if before kids all time was me-time now it has significantly shrunk, but I must admit that I don’t have the feeling that it’s that bad in my case. I always have at least some time for myself. I could do with more of course…
freedom to do what I want and go where I want – well, freedom is overrated and it is not only motherhood that sets the limits. I do feel certain limitations now, however it is just a matter of organizing for it. Before it was of course easier but also now if I really want it, I will find a way to get it. Otherwise, it is just that I don’t want it hard enough.
body – I do have some stretch marks despite fanatically smearing myself with anti-stretch mark creams during my first pregnancy, but hey – I am a tiger who earned her stripes! Actually that’s all there is for me. My weight came back to the same spot as when I was 18. I even still fit the pant suit that I wore when I was 18 (It did require some effort, of course.) My breasts saw some damage after two years of breastfeeding, but also nothing major. So overall, I personally haven’t experienced any significant body changes with motherhood.
fear – now this is probably one of the most significant changes that motherhood brought for me and it is twofold. On one hand, it is fear for my kids – overwhelming, irrational fear that something might happen to them. You can try to stay rational, you can try to do reasonable things to ensure safety and well-being of your little one, but this fear will still be there. Irrespective. On the other hand, it is fear that something might happen to me and my kids are then left without their mother. I assume the second part is even more relevant if you are a single mom, but it is true also for a mother in a relationship. But is it a negative change after all? I don’t think so. In a lot of cases it pushes you to reconsider your bad habits, to take more care of yourself and to be more attentive to yourself, so at least for me this change is a positive one.

Thus, I have to say that I am happy not to experience any drastic “negative effects” of motherhood on myself. Was it because I was lucky, or because I knew upfront what are my values, boundaries and expectations from the whole “experience” and was acting accordingly? I don’t know (smile), but I do believe all of the above had its influence.

Before I conclude, if I talk about changes motherhood brings, I cannot forget to mention the two most important positive ones which are:

understanding my own mother – after I became a mother myself I started understanding my own mother much better. There is a lot to comment here actually… but in the essence: Oh God, how did she cope with me?!!
Love with a capital “L” – and this is the most-most significant one! You love your parents, you love your husband or wife, you might have experienced “all sorts of love” before, but nothing compares to love you feel for your little ones! When these little arms are around your neck and you feel their warmth and that insane smell that only mothers know – the smell of your child’s sweet little head – that’s one (just one of so many!) of these moments when you feel a completely different “shade of love”. And despite the fact that kids drive me crazy on a regular basis, they also totally steal my heart with millions of sweet things.

So yes, there are always changes. For some people these changes might be more significant than for others, however in my opinion it is to a large extent a matter of choice and undoubtedly a matter of finding a right balance; the balance that works best for you and your family.